


The Werewolf Situation

by Garbage_Salad



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Childhood Trauma, Corrupted Steven Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Gen, Hearing Voices, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Post-Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Spoilers for Episode: s05e18 A Single Pale Rose, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Steven Universe Needs Therapy, Suicidal Thoughts, Transformation, Trauma, Werewolf tropes, What if Scenario, not really a romance but there's some connverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:41:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24545572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garbage_Salad/pseuds/Garbage_Salad
Summary: The first time it happened, it was a month after Steven’s transformation. The next time was a month after that. Nearly turning back into a monster has become a repeating cycle for Steven. Amethyst calls it “a classic werewolf situation”. Steven hopes that unlike with lycanthropy, his “curse” won’t last for the rest of his life. But it turns out there may be more to this monster than meets the eye...
Relationships: Amethyst & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Garnet & Steven Universe, Pearl & Steven Universe
Comments: 30
Kudos: 85





	1. Relapse

**Author's Note:**

> My first foray into the world of AU/Canon Divergence. I’m still new at this and just now realizing I can write literally anything I want happening to any character I want in any fandom I want...I have unlimited power. Wow. (*evil laughter*) So anyway here’s a little idea I had for a “what if” scenario.

The first time it happened, it was a month after Steven’s transformation, almost to the day. He was hanging out with Connie on the beach, sharing a vegetarian pizza. Steven had been in therapy for a few weeks by that point, and was already feeling a lot better. Connie was describing her opinion why a popular TV show was not accurately depicting the book it was based on.

“...and none of those characters are even supposed to _be_ in that scene! It makes no sense, why would they...”

"C-Connie..." said Steven.

She didn't hear him, and kept talking.

“...and _that’s_ the only reason she even knew about it in the first place! In this version she never even _met_ him, so how do you explain...”

" _C_ _ONNIE!" Steven_ cried, in a panicked tone.

Connie looked at him and gasped, her eyes opening wide.

"Oh my- _what?_ Steven, you’re..."

Steven was glowing pink again, which Connie was used to at that point. But beyond that, thick clusters of pink scales were erupting from his flesh on his face and body. His front teeth began sharpening into points. Shiny spines were growing out of his arms. Horns sprouted from his head. His fingernails were lengthening into claws.

"It's...it’s happening again!" Steven exclaimed, starting to cry.

"Oh, no!"

"What-what do I do? Connie, help me! _What do I do?"_

"I...I'll go get the gems! Just don't move, I'll-"

"There's no time!"

Steven wrapped his arms around himself, groaning as he doubled over in pain.

"Connie...go! I don't wanna hurt you, you have to-"

But her arms were already around him, squeezing him tightly.

"Steven, I'm here. I'm here, okay? You're okay. It's okay. I'm not leaving you. Just breathe, okay? Like you learned in therapy..."

"Right..."

Steven breathed in and out, in the way his therapist had taught him.

The horns, spines, fangs, and claws were receding, and the scaly patches were starting to disappear as well.

"See, there ya go. It's nothing a little love can't fix, just like last time." Connie was smiling, but her voice was shaking, and her eyes were full of terror.

“Buy why... _why_ did that happen? Why would it happen _again?”_ exclaimed Steven, frantically. 

“Well, what were you thinking about?”

“I guess I was thinking...about when it happened the first time. Is that why? I’ve thought about that before, but _this_ never happened.”

“I don’t know... _maybe_ that’s why...”

"I...I just can't _believe_ it almost happened again! I thought I was _better!"_

"You _are_ a lot better. And it didn't even happen this time! You stopped it. It was just a little, um...relapse."

"But I didn't think I _ever_ needed to worry about this happening again! It's been a month and I barely even turn pink anymore, even when I'm really upset! Why is this happening now?"

"I...I don't know. Maybe talk to your therapist about it?" 

"Yeah. I will. I see her the day after tomorrow."

But the appointment came and went, and Steven never brought it up. He'd already discussed most of his issues in therapy, and was learning healthier ways of thinking and managing his emotions. He'd been working hard, and he'd gained a lot of insight into his own inner workings. He was finally feeling a lot more like himself again. 

But the monster...that was something he still didn't feel ready to tackle. He knew talking about big things was kind of the point of therapy, but this just felt... _too_ big. Too big to talk about. And after a week had gone by without it happening again, Steven decided he didn’t need to worry about it anymore. At least until the next month...


	2. A Classic Werewolf Situation

One evening about a month later, Steven, Connie, and Amethyst were all watching movies in Steven’s room. A particular scene involved two characters fighting in the woods...

For a moment Steven was back in the middle of his fight with Jasper, and her shards were digging into his hand, digging into his _soul_...

“Steven? Are you okay?”

Connie’s voice brought his back to the present, where he had begun to glow again.

“Oh...”

He covered his face with his hands.

“Uuuggghhh...sorry. I’m sorry guys...I...”

“You don’t have to _apologize_ Steven!” said Connie, pausing the movie.

“Yeah, man, you didn’t do anything wrong!” added Amethyst.

“We don’t have to watch this movie anymore, if it’s making you uncomfortable.” said Connie. Steven felt very self-conscious. It always embarrassed him when others made these little sacrifices in the name of "accommodating his needs". He hated feeling like a burden. He hated even _having_ these so-called "needs".

“N-No, no, that’s okay! I don’t want to make you guys stop watching it.”

“Don’t worry about that! We just want you to be okay...” said Connie.

He always felt ashamed whenever they treated him like he was so _delicate_.

“I _am_ okay!”

Connie and Amethyst stared at the still-glowing Steven, then briefly glanced at each other, looking dubious. He looked at his luminescent hands.

“Well...I mean...I _will_ be okay! I just need a minute.”

“Steven, seriously. This movie’s not even that good.” Amethyst insisted.

“Yeah,” said Connie. “Why don’t you pick something else, and we’ll-”

_“No!”_

Horns burst from Steven’s head. 

_“OOOOWWWW!”_ he screamed.

The scales started forming, and Steven began scratching at them frantically.

 _“Steven!”_ Connie and Amethyst exclaimed, in unison. Connie threw her arms around his neck, and Amethyst quickly followed suit. “Breathe, baby. Just breath.”

Connie blushed. She hadn’t meant to call him _that_. She called him that in her head all the time, but never out loud before. She noticed Amethyst raise an eyebrow in her direction, but shrug it off before saying, “You’ll be alright, buddy. We’re here.”

Steven was crying and his teeth had begun to grow. He kept scratching at the scales.

"Ugh...it's-it's itchy!"

"Try not to scratch them. They'll go away in a minute." said Connie, struggling to sound calm. She was trying to act like she was positive he wouldn't transform again, hoping that would calm him down. She didn’t really have a Plan B if she was wrong.

The hug lasted a few more seconds before the monster symptoms began to disappear.

“Thank you guys. I’m so sorry this keeps happening. I don’t know what’s going on.”

"This happened before?" said Amethyst, looking shocked.

"Yeah. About a month ago, I almost..." Steven gulped hard, furrowing his brow.

Connie began thinking about something. “Wait...Steven, the first time it happened, it was almost a month after, right? And now it’s been two months...”

“Yeah? So?”

“Maybe it has something to do with the time of the month.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I don’t know for sure, but in my psych class we learned that people can have bad reactions to the anniversary of a traumatic event.”

“So now I might turn into a monster _every month?”_

“ _Well_...” said Connie, awkwardly. She hadn't meant to imply _that,_ but...

“Hang on, are you saying we’ve got a _werewolf_ situation on our hands?” exclaimed Amethyst.

“What? No! I’m just saying that this time of the month might be especially hard for you, Steven, so that’s why you keep-”

“Yeah, sounds like a classic werewolf situation to me.” Connie glared at Amethyst, who just shrugged.

“Am I gonna be like this for the rest of my life?” asked Steven, tensing up.

“No, no! It’s...it might not...I mean it probably won’t be the rest of your _life,_ Steven! I’m sure once you recover a little more...”

“Oh my gosh! This can’t be happening! I can’t do this again!” cried Steven.

“Hey don’t worry bro! I’ve seen like, _hundreds_ of werewolf flicks, I know all about-”

“He is not a _werewolf_ , Amethyst! That’s not helpful!”

“How is this any different?”

“Well for starters, he’s not turning into a _wolf,_ he’s _almost_ turning into a...godzilla thing.”

“Kaiju.” supplied Amethyst.

“What’s a kaiju?” inquired Steven.

“It’s what Godzilla is. Trust me, I’ve seen _all_ her movies.” responded Amethyst.

“Okay, but- wait, _her?_ Amethyst, Godzilla is _male_.” said Connie.

“What? No she’s not. Haven’t you noticed her feminine energy?”

“How have you seen _every_ Godzilla movie without hearing them call Godzilla ‘he’?”

“I thought they were just misgendering her! I figured it was some kind of social commentary on trans rights.”

“You think she’s transgender, too?”

_“Duh!”_

“Well...okay you know what, that’s not the point. The point is, that’s what Steven turned into, a kaiju. _Not_ a wolf. And he didn’t even change this time, _or_ last time! He just... _almost_ did. And there’s no full moon.”

“Okay, so it’s not a perfect analogy. But it’s pretty close!”

“I...I can’t be a...a were-kaiju...” said Steven, looking far-away. His voice sounded defeated, and strangely cold.

“You’re _not_ a were-kaiju, or a werewolf, or any other movie monster!” insisted Connie. “You’re just a teenager with a mental illness...and, um...alien shapeshifting powers...”

“It can’t happen again! It was so awful! I...I can’t _survive_ going through it again...” 

Now Steven was becoming agitated again.

“Both times now you didn’t change. It was just a few scales and...pointy things...”

“But it was _so_ close to happening, Connie! I could feel it! Next time I might...”

“It happened cus you got upset. Maybe you just have to be extra careful around this time of the month. Take it really easy on yourself, go to more frequent therapy appointments...” 

“It’s not _fair!_ I shouldn’t have to do that! I just want this _over with._..it...it _hurts._ ” 

“I know, Steven. You’re right, it _isn’t_ fair. But it’s reality.” Connie was doing her best to be comforting, but she wasn’t sure if she was saying the right things...

Steven looked dazed once again, as if he were resigned to his fate.

“It’s...it’s gonna happen, isn’t it? Even if I’m really careful, it’s gonna happen eventually. It’s inevitable.”

“No it’s _not,_ Steven!” cried Connie, grabbing Steven’s shoulders.

“It’ll happen. Sooner or later, it’ll happen again. I can’t believe it. I’m really gonna be a monster again... _I don’t want to go through it again!”_ Steven was choking back tears now.

"What did your...” Connie started to ask, before stopping and frowning at a realization. She looked at Steven, and sighed. “You didn't tell her, did you?"

"No. I'm sorry."

“Steven, you _have_ to talk to your therapist about this!”

“I will, but it won’t make a difference. It’s still gonna happen. I’m sure of it.”

“Steven, this kind of negative thinking is _really_ unhealthy! Remember the cognitive distortions chart you showed me? Black and white thinking, fortune-telling...”

“Yeah, I know. I’m just trying to be realistic.”

"But you're _not_ being realistic!” cried Amethyst. “You're just giving up without a fight!"

"I'm _tired_ of fighting. Especially of fighting _myself_..."

"Just...please don't give up on yourself, Steven." Connie begged.

“Even if I’m not a _werewolf_ or whatever, it still feels like I’m... _cursed.”_

“You’re not cursed, Steven. Just sick. And you’re going to get better.”

Steven closed his eyes, and a hopeless look came across his face.

“I...I hope you’re right.”

Amethyst put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Hey buddy, if it makes you feel any better...”

She flashed a peace sign.

“Team Jacob all the way.”

Steven honestly couldn’t tell if she was joking or not.

The next month, Steven was cautious in the week leading up to what Amethyst was calling his "Godzillaversary". His therapist agreed with Connie's assessment of the situation, and scheduled more frequently appointments around that time. He tried to rest and stay out of stressful situations. That particular month, it worked. Nothing happened. The next month, on the other hand...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI I've never actually read or seen Twilight


	3. Happy Godzillaversary

“How are you feeling this morning, Steven?” asked Pearl, sitting across from Steven at the kitchen table. 

“Okay, you?” asked Steven, who was in his pajamas and eating a bowl of cereal.

“I’m good. But you...you’re not, uh...anxious about anything?” Her smile was forced and awkward.

“Pearl, I’m not gonna change again. Nothing happened last month.”

“I know! I’m sure you’re right. I just want you to know we’re all here for you, if you need us.”

“I know.”

“So...you’re sure there’s nothing you want to talk about?”

“Yeah...why?”

“Oh, nothing. I, uh...it’s just...” She was starting to sound very nervous.

“Pearl, what’s going on?”

“I-um...you...have a scale...on your forehead...”

Steven reached up and felt it.

“Wha-oh no! What happened? I wasn’t even upset! Why is it-”

“Steven...”

“I’m not even glowing this time!”

Right on cue, he _did_ start glowing. More scales came popping out of his skin, and he started scratching at them.

“Agh! It’s getting worse!”

“Steven, calm down. Just try to-”

The front door swung open.

“Garnet!” cried Pearl. “Steven’s-”

“I know. I came as fast as I could. Pearl, get him a glass of water.”

“Right!” Pearl grabbed a glass out of the cabinet and began to fill it in the sink. Garnet knelt down in front of Steven, taking his hands in hers.

“Steven, take a deep breath. You’re going to be alright. I’ve seen it. In every potential future, you’re just fine. You stay yourself.”

“R-Really?”

Garnet nodded.

The scales and spikes began to recede, as did the pink glow. His mouth suddenly felt very dry. Pearl handed him the water, which he downed in a few gulps. 

“Garnet...did you really see that I’d be okay...in _all_ the potential futures?”

Garnet pursed her lips.

“Well...not exactly... _a_ _ll_ of them. But I saw that you had a better chance if you believed it was certain.”

“So you _lied?”_

“I...fudged the truth a little. For your benefit.”

“Well...guess it worked. Thanks.”

Steven wrapped his arms around Garnet, which she reciprocated. He closed his eyes and tried to just breathe, and relax, and-

Suddenly, a thought popped into his mind, spoken in a mental voice that wasn’t quite his own.

**_Why don’t you just give up already?_ **

Steven felt his blood run cold. 

**_You know you can’t resist me forever_ **


	4. The Big Guns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: suicidal thoughts

After that, every month became the same. For those few days, the monster was always there. It lurked in some dark corner of Steven’s mind, and it seemed to be edging closer to him every day. He constantly had to keep his thoughts focused on blocking it out. Those times he couldn't, it took every ounce of willpower to fight off the transformation. He started getting frequent headaches, just from the strain. Sleep was hard to come by on those days, and when he did sleep, the monster chased him through his dreams. One particular night as he lay in bed, his mind felt so crowded by the monster’s presence that he could barely find room for his own thoughts. It was so much harder to fight it when his brain was so tired from the lack of sleep. To make matters worse, sometimes when his mental defenses were especially weak, as they were just then, the monster would spat verbal abuse that burned in Steven's mind like acid. And it was  _ so loud. _

**_You're pathetic, Steven_ **

_ Shut up. _

**_Do you even know how much of a loser you are?_ **

_ Go away. _

**_Never_ **

_ Please. _

**_You deserve this_ **

_ Why? _

**_You know why_ **

Steven covered his face with a pillow and screamed into it.

**_Your such a coward_ **

He threw the pillow on the floor and sat up in bed, squeezing his head between his fists.

**_That won't help_ **

_ Stop it! _

**_Make me_ **

_ I HATE YOU! _

**_Hatred is all you have left_ **

_No! I have love!_ _I love people!_

**_No, You’re not capable of love anymore_ **

_ Yes I am! _

**_You know I’m right_ **

_ No! Leave me alone! _

**_You feel the darkness growing inside_ **

_ Stop it! Just stop it! _

**_You’re nothing but a useless waste of space_ **

Steven began to cry. He didn't know why everything it said stung so badly. Why was he letting it get to him? He was already feeling mentally drained, and the night was still young. 

**_No one needs you_ **

_ S-Stop...please... _

**_No one will ever need you again_ **

_ Stop it, please stop it!  _

**_Everyone would be better off without you_ **

_ I...I can’t...please...just leave me alone! Please! _

The monster was silent for a moment. Steven thought maybe it was finally over, but then-

**_You should just kill youself already_ **

That was the last straw. He'd spent six weeks working past thoughts like that with his therapist, and he didn't need to be hearing it from the monster in his head. He'd had enough. 

_ Okay, that’s it. I’m calling in the big guns. _

Steven threw off the covers and jumped out of bed. He knew he needed help, and he knew who he trusted more than anyone to give it. He grabbed his phone and fired off a quick text.

Hey, I know it's late, but can you come over?

He wondered if he should have said more. He didn’t want to worry her, but-

**_She won’t come_ **

_ Y-Yes she will...  _

**_She hates you_ **

It’s kind of an emergency...

It was less than two minutes before a pink portal opened up in the dark bedroom, and Lion crashed into the floor, with Connie on top of him. She looked panicked, and let out a flustered  _ "Steven!" _

"You came." 

He hated the fact that the monster's words had actually made him doubt her just the tiniest bit.

"Of course I did! What’s going on?”

“Um...I...”

He paused for a moment, staring awkwardly at Connie’s shoes.

_ How do I even explain this? _

“Steven?”

"I just-"

**_She won’t even believe you_ **

_ "Shut up!"  _ he whispered under his breath.

“What? 

"Oh! Uh...nothing, I didn't mean you...I just..."

"Steven, come on, you're scaring me!"

Steven looked up to meet her gaze.

“I...uh, I started...I keep hearing this...voice.”

“A voice? What’s it saying?”

“Um...it just kinda...says mean things about me...and...and that I should...um...kill myself?”

Connie was agape, her forehead creased with concern.

“Oh.. _.Steven _ ...have you talked to your therapist about it?”

“Tell her I’m hearing voices? They’ll lock me up!”

“Steven,  _ no. _ That’s not how it works. You might just need some medication, or another kind of therapy, or-”

“I can’t tell her! I...I don’t want to tell  _ anybody  _ else about this!”

“You  _ have  _ to, Steven! You have to figure out what’s happening, it could be really serious!”

“I already  _ know  _ what’s happening, just not what to do about it.”

“You know?”

“It’s...that thing I keep almost turning into...the monster. I...I think...it's still there, inside of me, all the time. When it gets around this time of the month, I can sort of...feel it there, getting closer and closer to me. I think it wants to...it’s trying to take me over.”

Connie gasped.

“Oh my gosh...I’m...I’m  _ sure _ that won’t happen, Steven! Whatever you’re feeling, it’s probably not even real. It’s just your gem playing tricks on you, cus you’re scared.”

“I  _ really  _ don’t think it is. I know it's real. I know it’s the monster. You believe me, right?”

“I...of course.”

**_She’s lying_ **

Steven whimpered softly, trying not to cry.

"Steven?"

“The thing is I’m...I’m really scared, because I can tell what it's feeling sometimes, when it’s close, and it...it's just _so_ _angry_. _”_

Hot tears were starting to form in his eyes.

“Steven, if it’s angry...doesn’t that mean  _ you’re  _ angry?”

“Huh?”

"Well, isn't the monster just some part of you?"

"N-No! It's...it's just some weird gem thing, I don't know..."

"It may be a gem thing, but it's still part of  _ you _ . I think it was made out of all the bad feelings you were repressing..."

He didn't want to believe that. He'd believed it at first, right after his transformation. He'd been feeling like he was a monster for weeks at that point. But over time in therapy as he'd started feeling like himself again, he'd managed to convince himself it was never true. That  _ thing _ couldn't have really been him. It was just a fluke. A glitch in his gem's programming. Just another crazy manifestation of his  _ freaky diamond powers. _ But now, he was starting to suspect Connie might be right.

"I...well...maybe."

"So if it's part of you, and it’s angry...”

Steven didn’t respond. His brow wrinkled, and his mouth hung open. His face betrayed that he’d just made a realization that he didn’t like.

“Steven, what are you angry about?”

“I...I don’t know. I didn't even know I was...”

“Well...can you tell  _ who  _ the monster is mad at?”

“Um...I think it’s mad at...me?”

“But you have no idea why?”

“I think...I think it’s cus I keep fighting it.”

“Is it mad at anybody else?”

Steven blushed, and grimaced.

“Uh...no. That’s it.”

_ “Steven...” _

“What?”

“There’s someone else you’re mad at. I can tell. Who is it?”

“N-No, you’re wrong.” Steven crossed his arms and looked away.

“Why won’t you tell me?”

“I...it’s...I don’t even know what you’re...”

“Oh, Steven...is it... _ me?” _

“No! Connie, I-I could  _ never _ be mad at you! I just...”

“It’s really okay, Steven. What is it? Did I do something? Did I say something that hurt your feelings?”

“No, it...you...it wasn’t  _ wrong  _ for you to...it’s just me. It’s my problem.”

“Oh my gosh...Steven, are you...are you mad that I said no to your proposal?”

“No! Of course not! I shouldn’t have even asked! I messed up, you were right to say no.”

“It’s okay if you’re angry, though. I know you must have felt hurt...” Connie sighed, remorsefully. “I should have stayed and talked with you longer. I’m sorry.”

"N-No, no. I was fine. You had to study. I was just being stupid and-”

“Steven, it wasn’t  _ stupid! _ You were just...you were confused, and lonely.”

“Marrying you wouldn’t have fixed my problems. I get that now.”

“You’re right, it wouldn’t have. It  _ is _ kind of flattering though, that you thought it would.”

“I guess I just got scared you would leave me behind, like everybody else.”

“I’d  _ never  _ leave you behind, Steven! You’re my best friend! I love you, and I always will. I  _ promise. _ I mean, it’s not even like I didn’t want to...”

She blushed.

“What?”

“I, uh...I guess I kind of...daydream about marrying you, sometimes?”

Steven’s jaw dropped. “You  _ do?” _

“Yeah...I’ve been doing it since...well, since just a little while after we met, actually.”

She giggled, and Steven joined her.

“But it was all always just...hypothetical, you know? Something I didn’t plan on thinking about  _ seriously  _ until we were grown up. I guess I just got startled when you...it just made it so  _ real  _ all of a sudden. And I...I  _ want _ it to be real, someday, when we’re ready. Just not...it’s just too soon right now. I’m sorry if it felt like I was rejecting you...or-or like I didn’t love you...”

Steven brushed tears from his eyes.

“Connie...I _ - _ ”

**_If she really loved you she would have said yes_ **

_ Shut up. _

**_You’re not good enough for her_ **

_ I said SHUT UP! _

**_She’ll go off to college and meet someone better_ **

“STOP IT! SHUT UP! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“Steven...what-”

“Oh...oh, I'm sorry! I...I didn't mean to...didn’t realize I was saying that out loud...I’m sorry...”

“Is it talking to you right now? The monster?”

**_She thinks you’re a freak_ **

Steven nodded his head frantically, too frightened to even speak.

“It’ll be okay Steven. I’m here, just-”

**_Time’s up_ **

Scales. Spikes. Horns. 

_ No...please! _

**_My turn_ **

“Steven!”

“C-Connie? I...aagghh!” Steven fell to his knees and doubled over in pain, tears spilling from his eyes. Connie dropped down to the floor with him. She planted both hands firmly on his shoulders.

“Steven come on, look at me! Breathe! Just try to calm down, it’s gonna be okay!”

“No it isn’t! It’s too late! It’s got me! Just get out of here, Connie! While you still can!”

“Steven, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy! You’re making it happen by  _ believing  _ it will!”

“But I can’t make it stop! It’s already won! I can’t  _ stop  _ believing it now!”

“Sure you can! Just listen to me, Steven. You can do this. You can-”

_ “No!  _ Connie, it-it’s happening  _ now! _ I’m losing myself! You have to  _ run!” _

He felt like his consciousness was being sucked into a black hole, and as hard as he tried, he could not escape it’s pull.

_ “I’m sorry, Connie! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m-” _

**_I win_ **


	5. Meeting the Monster

In an instant, the monster overtook him. It overwhelmed his senses, and seemed to engulf him in thick, black smoke. But it wasn’t quite like the first time. The first time, he’d immediately lost himself, becoming one with the monster. But Steven still felt like himself this time. He was in a dark, empty place, a kind of liminal space between monster and human. 

_I...I haven’t fully transformed yet! There’s still time to fight this..._

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, trying to concentrate on retaining his humanity. 

_I’m human. I’m human. I’m human. I’m human. I’m-_

**_No you’re not_ **

Steven’ eyes shot open, and he found himself face to face with.. _.his monster._

_No! Go away! Leave me alone!_

**_Let me out_ **

_No!_

The monster wasn’t actually speaking, it’s mouth didn’t move, but it’s words were coming from...somewhere. Everywhere. It’s voice was loud and deep and gravely, just as you would expect from such a beast. Steven covered his ears, gritting his teeth and humming. But he couldn’t block out the monster’s voice. And every word it said felt disproportionally painful. Usually the verbal assault came as an emotional gut punch, but this felt more like he was being stabbed in the chest. 

**_You can’t fight me_ **

_Yes I can._

**_You’re not strong enough_ **

_That’s not true._

**_You’re disgusting_ **

_Stop it._

**_You’re a murderer_ **

_Stop!_

**_You’re a burden_ **

_No!_

**_You’re a fraud_ **

_Don’t say that! don’t-_

_Wait...fraud?_

He uncovered his ears and looked the monster directly in the eye.

**_Everyone hates you_ **

_Fraud...that’s what I called myself right before I-_

**_No one could ever love a monster like you_ **

_All the things you’re saying..._

**_You’re worse than Pink_ **

_...they’re all things I’ve said to...myself._

**_You’ll never be as good as Rose_ **

_Connie was right, you're part of me. But which part? What are you?_

**_I'm your enemy_ **

_No...I don’t think you are._

**_I’m your curse_ **

_This...this isn’t the real you, is it?_

**_I’m your worst nightmare_ **

_You're not really a monster. You’ve just been pretending...but why?_

**_Fear me_ **

_Oh, I think I understand...you're getting back at me._

**_I’ll destroy you_ **

_Because I’ve been ignoring you._

**_I’ll destroy everything you love_ **

_My therapist told me I need to have compassion for myself..._

**_You’re worthless_ **

_So I guess that means I need to have compassion for_ _you_ _right now. I'm still not very good at that, I tend to blame myself for everything. But I'll try._

**_Nobody cares about you_ **

_I'm sorry I shut you out. I'm sorry I ignored you._

**_Shut up! Shut up!_ **

_I want to understand what you're going through. But first, you have to take off this disguise._

**_You deserve to die_ **

_Who are you, really?_

**_I am death. I am fury. I am rage. Feel me!_ **

_I do feel you. You’re very angry...or I’m angry, I guess. But you’re feeling something else too..._

**_You don’t know anything_ **

_You’re in a lot of pain, aren’t you?_

**_No! I inflict pain! I don’t feel it!_ **

_I’m sure it’s easier to tell yourself that. Which part of me do you represent? Are you my fear? My vulnerability?_

**_I AM YOUR_ ** **_MONSTER_ **

_No...you’re not. You’re just acting mean because you’re angry and afraid. Come on, it's time to drop the act. It isn't fooling me anymore._

The monster’s voice suddenly changed, becoming softer, and higher-pitched. And just a little...familiar?

**_P-Please...don’t hurt me._ **

_I’m not going to hurt you! Please, I know you're scared, but you have to let me see what you really look like. I need to know who you are...so I can help you. So I can help myself._

Suddenly, the monster began to shake and shatter. It crumbled into pieces and dissolved into nothing but dust, leaving a heavy pink cloud. When it lifted, Steven was stunned by what he saw.

Before him was nothing but a little boy with a mop of black hair. He had on a red shirt with a yellow star that was just a little too big for him. He was sitting on the floor, curled up in a ball hugging his knees to his chest, and crying. 

_Oh...of course. I get it. I get it now!_

Steven smiled at the boy.

_I know what you are! You’re like all the other Pearls inside Pearl’s pearl! The ones she said were...put away? You must be another Steven, put away inside my gem. Me inside me! I wonder if there are more of you..._

Steven approached the boy, and knelt in front of him.

_Hey._

Little Steven didn’t answer.

_Hey, come on, look at me._

The boy looked up, cautiously. He was missing a tooth, red-faced from crying, and there was so much fear in his big, sad eyes.

_Are you scared of...me?_

The boy sniffled, and tried to choke back his sobs.

**_I’m not...s-scared..._ **

_Yes you are. You're very scared and very angry. Why?_

**_Be-Because you...you hurt me._ **

_How did I hurt you?_

**_You didn’t protect me. You let me get h-hurt, over and over and over again..._ **

_Oh...I get it. My therapist says I was traumatized by all the danger and fighting I went through as a kid. That must be what you represent...my childhood trauma._

**_You ignore me. You won’t ever look at me. You never let me near you._ **

_You’re right. I'm sorry._

**_You won’t feel me. I’m YOUR feelings, but you won’t ever let me be FELT!_ **

Seven sighed. _Guilty as charged._

**_I just need to be felt. I’ve waited so long for you to finally see me. Finally feel me. I’m tired._ **

_You've been through a lot._

**_I was just a kid._ **

_You didn't deserve what happened to you._

**_I used to be so happy._ **

_I know._

**_I could have stayed that way! But YOU kept running into danger! I was scared, I didn’t want to go! But you kept pushing me, because you just HAD to be so “brave” all the time! You let me get hurt again and again...why did you do that to me?_ **

_I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to protect the people I love._

**_Why didn’t you protect ME?_ **

_I guess I didn’t value you...I mean, myself, as much as I should have. My therapist says I have low self-esteem..._

**_You love everyone else. Why can’t you love me too?_ **

_I DO love you! But I need to get better at showing it. I need to take better care of myself._

**_Please don’t let me get hurt again._ **

_I won’t. You don’t have to worry, we’re not in that kind of danger anymore._

**_We’re not? Then...why am I still scared all the time?_ **

_That’s because of all the stuff that happened before...it made me sick. I got diagnosed with a mental illness. It’s got a long fancy name, but basically it just means my brain works differently than it used to. My gem too. It makes it...really hard for me to feel safe anymore._

**_I wanna feel safe again._ **

_I know...I think that’s why you became a monster. It made you feel powerful, and that made you feel safer._

**_I’m sorry._ **

_So am I. But, with any luck it won’t be like that forever. I’m learning how to feel safe again. I’m working on it in therapy._

**_Therapy?_ **

_I’m talking about my problems with a professional, who helps me work them out. I started going after the first time I turned into- I mean, after the first time I met...you. We’ve talked about you before, about the trauma. But I guess I didn’t realize how much I was still in denial about you._

The little boy wiped the tears from his face, sniffling.

**_What are you gonna to do now?_ **

_I’m going to try to be nicer to you...to myself. I’m going to keep going to therapy. Keep working on my recovery. You know, I think there’s something you could do, to help me with that..._

**_What?_ **

_Do you think you could maybe...forgive me? For letting you get hurt? For avoiding dealing with you for so long?_

**_How does that help you?_ **

_Because it would really be me, forgiving myself. Can you help me?_

**_I...I don't know..._ **

_That’s okay. Just...think about it. Maybe when we start to feel a little better...when you’re a little more healed..._

**_Maybe._ **

“Steven? Steven!”

_Oh...I think that’s Connie. She’s trying to wake me up. I have to go now. Will you be alright?_

**_If you don’t ignore me anymore. Don’t forget about me, okay?_ **

_I won’t. I’m going to pay a lot more attention to you from now on._

**_Thank you._ **

_Thank you, too. I don’t like how you did it, but...I’m glad you got my attention._

**_I’m sorry I was mean to you. I love you._ **

_I love you, too._

**_Goodbye._ **

_It’s not goodbye. You’re some part of myself I was out of touch with, but I’m not anymore._

**_Okay._ **

Steven put his arms around his younger self, who hugged him back. Suddenly, Seven felt a jolt that made him strangely giddy. For just a moment, he was overwhelmed by a burst of pure, innocent childhood joy that he hadn’t felt in a very long time.

It gave him hope, just knowing that he was still capable of feeling that good. Knowing that the goofy kid he used to be wasn't as dead as he’d once believed. Maybe one day, he could feel that way again, at least every once and awhile...

The warmth of the hug began to spread through Steven’s body, until it was all he could feel. He closed his eyes...

“Steven? Steven, can you hear me? Wake up!”

Steven awoke on the floor, with Connie kneeling over him. She looked and sounded panicked.

“Steven! Thank goodness! You passed out, and you started getting a lot more monster-y, and then you almost...but then it stopped, and you went back to normal! What happened?”

Steven didn’t answer. He just smiled.

The next month, nothing happened.

Nor the month after that.

Nor the month after that.

Nor the month after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started it was really supposed to be more of werewolf trope story but it got away from me and here we are. I even thought of changing the name when I finished but then I was like Nah.
> 
> I loved the depiction of all the ‘other Pearls’ in Pearl’s mind in A Single Pale Rose. I’m especially interested in the concept in regards to how it might manifest in Steven. I already started writing a sort of sequel exploring the idea of ‘other Stevens’ in his gem (Like Pearl) which would all represent different memories, thoughts, feelings, and personality traits. Then if it goes well, maybe some of the other gems too. Basically I’m a huge slut for the ‘journey to the center of the mind’ trope and I wanna do it. Of course this is all assuming I don’t lose my mojo and stop writing, which is always a distinct possibility for my ADHD ass. So no promises.


End file.
